I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
