tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
