i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
