I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
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