She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
