I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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