I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
