Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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