no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
