3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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