He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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