I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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