Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
