I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize