Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
