headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
God, I missed his penis.
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