I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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