Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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