So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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