This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
