Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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