Porn is love you can see.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
