why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Randomize
