I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
