my phone needs a breathalizer
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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