Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the condom got lost in my hair
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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