I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
