nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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