best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
