I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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