Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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