dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize