got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
