Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
