Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
