Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
