who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
