my phone needs a breathalizer
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
