This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
