oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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