I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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