just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wish there were birth control emojis
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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