Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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