Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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