If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
