I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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