I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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