Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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