Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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