His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you never un-have a 4some
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
