i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm just crazy horny about you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
