I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
