You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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