i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
