saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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