I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
