I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize