I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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