Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
