maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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