fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
