i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
