I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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