Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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