I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
