I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
