My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
