he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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