I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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