youre lurking in front of me
Michael Bay diarrhea
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
