I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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