Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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