I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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