Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize